My scales conspiracy against me continues!! What the heck have I done to that stupid scale to make it want to make me so darn miserable? I thought I was going to have a freakin’ nervous breakdown this morning while attempting (and I stress attempting) to weigh myself this morning.
So, I go into my kitchen to weigh myself (yes, I have decided that my kitchen is the best place to weigh myself – seems logical to me…. Weigh, get depressed, take cheese from fridge and eat….. it made sense at the time!). I took the scale from the closet where it has been locked away and placed it on the floor between my fridge (easy access to food) and my dish washer (gotta clean the plate that I ate the food from) and tapped it like the instructions say. She chimes at me “Hello”, waits a few seconds and says “I’m ready”. To me that means she is ready for me to stand on her so she can yell to the universe how much I weigh. I took a deep breath (like that was going to make me loose 20 lbs) and step on Hortense – I’ve name the scale Hortense, I’ll explain why later. I wait….. and wait…. and wait….. and wait…. and after about 3 minutes, Hortense yells “Goodbye”. What?? Why?? She is trying to torture me. So I step off of Hortense, sit down on a dining room chair that I have brought into the kitchen, and yell a few choice words at her before explaining to her that I am in charge here and she needs to do what I want. I start the process all over again….. tap, “Hello…… I’m ready”, step on scale, wait….. wait…..wait….wait… now about 2 minutes went by and Hortense has said nothing, NOT A THING!! I hate her! I know she was sitting there laughing at me in her stupid computer voice but would she tell me how much I weigh……NO!! So I step off and she tells me Goodbye. I sit down again and put my head down on my stove (it wasn’t on so I was good) in frustration. I decided that maybe I needed to move Hortense so I picked her up and moved her about 3 feet further into the kitchen. I thought maybe she was intimidated my the fridge knowing that I love the fridge because it gives me goodies and snacks and I hate her because she yells at me and tells me how fat I am. I placed Hortense in front of the sink and tapped her to get her started. When she said hello, I responded very nicely in my calmest of voices “Hello Dear, how are you?” to which she responded “I’m ready”. I explained to her that it was important that I get my current weight from her and how appreciative I would be when she gave it to me before stepping on her. I waited a few moments but Hortense stayed quiet. I waited a few more and Hortense finally chirped “GOODBYE”. At this point, I am ready to throw Hortense in the microwave and giggle & clap as she explodes from the radiation, but I didn’t. Instead, I screamed at her “What is wrong with you? What have I done to deserve this treatment from you? I AM IN CHARGE HERE SO YOU BETTER GIVE ME MY WEIGHT!! If you don’t, I am taking your batteries. Try talking and torturing me without them!!“ I gave Hortense the evil eye and pointed my finger and her and let her know that this was her last chance and I was not kidding! I gave her the tap, waited and as soon as she said she was ready I stepped on her. I stood as still as possible and waited to hear her voice scream at me that I have gained 5 lbs or lost 2 lbs, anything would have made me happy, anything except goodbye. As I waited, I watched the clock on my microwave and after 3 minutes of waiting, I had had it with Hortense!! I sat down on my chair, picked her up and said “I warned you!!” I flipped her over, opened the battery compartment and took the batteries out!! Her torturing days are done, for a while anyway.

I haven’t been to my apartment in 2.5 days and I am scared to go home tonight. Ya’ see, I have been avoiding my scale like the plague and don’t want to have to see it tonight when I get home because I am sure that it will yell at me and tackle me in the living room as soon as I walk in the door. I am convinced that she has spent the last few days alone in the apartment plotting ways to force me to weigh myself so she can yell at me for gaining 1.2 lbs. I have to figure out a way to get inside without the scale seeing or hearing me and get it into a closet so that it can’t get to me but she is smart and sneaky. She is probably sitting right by the front door, waiting patiently for my to put my key in the lock so she can throw herself in my path and weigh me before I know it but I can’t let that happen, I will have bags with me that weigh at least 10 lbs but she won’t care! She will yell at me in her drill sergeant voice how much I weigh and won’t even consider that I will be carrying my laundry, laptop and my purse – Oh God! I have a few bags from Wal-Mart that I need to bring in too, who knows what they weigh!! I have to be prepared for an obstacle course to stay away from her – a lot of bobbing and weaving, dropping and rolling and maybe even some wall climbing. I gotta be like Spiderman! Who am I kidding? I am nothing like Spiderman, couldn’t do it even if I wanted to - I’ve never been bit by a radioactive spider!! Maybe I can try to be like Batman but I am no millionaire, that’s for sure. I guess I will just have to find a way to stay away from her so she can’t get me.
Well, I am getting ready to go home so WISH ME LUCK!

I am beginning to think that my scales has it in for me!
I mean first, it screams my weight to the neighborhood and almost caused me to have a heart attack. Now, it picks and chooses when it wants to tell me how much I weigh. If it were up to me, I would never want to know how much I weigh but this whole weight loss thing requires it. And I am beginning to think that it just doesn't like me - I attempted to weigh myself earlier today and the damn thing kept telling me GOODBYE! What the heck is that all about? I would step on it, wait.... and wait longer.... and longer.... then it would say goodbye! Like it was tired of me and wanted me to just go away - stupid Primadonna scale! I did not pay $90 for a high quality scale to get attitude from it! I paid $90 for a scale so that I could weigh myself at home and not have to pay Weight Watchers $12 a week to get weighed. Besides that, FAT CHICKS need special scales that can handle them! It is a nice looking scale, black and silver with a nice big display and a nice woman's voice to tell me exactly how fat I am - SOUNDS GREAT, HUH?
Truthfully, I did Weight Watchers for a while and it was great but I got to the point where I was only going to get weighed, not for the meeting or the people, just the scale. The people got on my nerves most of the time and the meetings were just telling me things that I knew already but had decided not to follow because I like pizza too much and being a big fat heffer is just too much damn fun!! (that last part is sarcasm- anyone that has read anything that I write knows I am VERY SARCASTIC and loves me for it)
I have not given up on loosing weight, I can't give up on it - it's a necessity - but it makes me crazy sometimes (like now) and I hate that! I have been visiting SparkPeople on a very regular basis and I like it so far. And as you can tell, I am weighing myself even though I hate it. I hope that eventually I will feel a little better about this dieting thing but until then IT SUCKS!

Well, I have been "dieting" for 2 days now and IT SUCKS!!
I understand the necessity of it, really I do, but I don't have to like it. In fact, I can hate it if I want to! I have been trying to be good but I like food! And I like all of the worst possible foods so that makes this dieting thing all the harder. I have been tracking my food in SparkPeople and I even weighed myself 2 days ago. I am determined to have some success this time, no matter what!!
Now, as I mentioned, I weighed myself a few days ago and it was quite an experience. Ya' see, I got a scale that talks. It was not m intention but the scale that I liked just happened to be able to talk. The little instruction paper said that I could turn the voice off but it didn't give very good directions on HOW so my first weigh in was "special". I put the batteries in and placed it on the floor and walked out of the bathroom for a minute and stepped on the scale when I went back into the bathroom. As I stepped on the scale it said "I'm ready" in a kinda muffled voice so I decided to turn the voice off. I flipped the scale over then read and followed the instructions to turn the voice off then placed it back on the floor. I stepped back on the scale and after a few seconds my scale SCREAMS at me my current weight, which was scary all by itself without having my scale announce to the entire eastern seaboard that I am a big fat heffer at the top of its lungs! I immediately began yelling at the scale "SHUT UP! BE QUIET!!" and practically fell into my bathtub as it repeated my weight again. I live alone but I have I neighbors and if any of them were in a 6 block radius, they heard it!! I grabbed the darn thing, flipped it over and fumbled for the volume and OFF switch. I found it, yelled at it "You Stupid Scale" and then turned it off. I never want to hear that terrible voice again - she was evil and will haunt me forever.
This made me start thinking about scales that talk and why there aren't any that taunt you when you try to weigh youself. I mean, I bet you would work a little harder if you knew that yourr scale were going to say something like "Damn Girl! What have you been eating? You gained 3 lbs in 3 days." or "STEP OFF! Are you trying to kill me?" I would buy that scale and invite my friends to come over once a week to have weigh-in parties. We could have cocktails, snacks and make a performance of it. Wouldn't that be cool!? Just something to think about.

As I mentioned earlier, I recently had a birthday. (Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday Dear Fat Chick! Happy Birthday to me!) But I digress.......

As with most women, at New Year's and Birthdays we decide to go on a diet and loose that extra weight we have been carrying around since infancy and just can't seem to loose. I am no different this year for my birthday - I decided that I REALLY want to loose weight. Not because it is what society tells me that I need to do, but because I want to be a little healthier and happier. There are so many limitations that I feel because of the extra weight and I am TIRED OF IT! I have tried many diets and have not had alot of success. Most recently, I did Weight Watchers and liked it but I found that the only reason that I wanted to go was to get weighed in every week and I am tired of spending that money every month so I cancelled WW and askeed for a good scale for my birthday from my mother. Of course, I couldn't be happy with some schmuck scale from Wal-Mart for $15 - NOT ME, NOT THIS FAT CHICK! I wanted a really good one that has a wider base, a larger weight capacity and that TALKS! Not only do I want to see how fat I am, I want to have the scale TELL ME how fat I am! What better motivation than to have the scale YELL AT ME when I don't loose weight or beg for mercy when I step on it to weigh ("Dear God Woman! What have you been eating - CHILDREN?" or maybe "Are you trying to kill me? Get off before I die!") Well, we ordered the scale last weekend and it was delivered to Mom's house today..... this means that my diet must begin very soon. Gotta load up on all of the bad and evil food that I will not be able to eat once the diet begins. I will get my scale tomorrow when I go to Mom's for the weekend so I think I will start the real diet next week. Maybe I will track my weight loss on my new FAT CHICK WEBSITE - I am working on it ya' know!