I am beginning to wonder if I am a bad person? Is it wrong of me to want to beat up a friend because she lost a few pounds? Let me explain
I was sitting at work earlier today, minding my own business, when a friend called me. As most people do when the phone rings, I answered it and began talking to my friend. We had the normal “How was work? Any plans for tonight?” conversation when she proceeded to tell me about going out to dinner with another friend, eating like a pig and drinking like a fish. She then proceeds to tell me that she went to her weekly WW meeting today and was scared to get on the scale because of everything that she ate and drank last night. I gave her the supportive friend speech and told her that it isn’t the end of the world, tomorrow is a new day, etc. She laughs and said “Well, I was shocked when I actually lost weight, 2 pounds!” The supportive friend said “Well, good for you! That’s great!” But my inner Fat Chick wanted to smack her, shove a pack of HoHo’s in her mouth and say “Oh, so you are bragging now? You can loose weight without trying and I can’t even get my stupid scale to weigh me! You suck! I hate you! Go away now!” Of course, I didn’t say any of these things but I sure did want to! She continued on about how she was so shocked and really excited about it and as my eyes rolled back in my head, I had a little momentary daydream about loading her up with water and bricks in her pants and making her weigh herself again…… I’d like to see her brag about loosing weight then! I know that I shouldn’t feel like that but I can’t help it! Especially since I am having such a hard time! Heck, lately I get excited when I take my shoes off because it means I have probably lost ½ pound! Do you think if I weighed on my tippy toes I would loose anything? Probably not but I gotta look for every angle I can to boost my “Weight Loss Morale” because Hortense surely isn’t helping. Now, my friend really isn’t that much overweight so the concept of her loosing anything makes me want to scream, run to the fridge and have a private moment with a can of whipped cream, a block of sharp cheddar and the left over pasta form my binge session the other night….. not all together – well, maybe the cheddar and the pasta, the whipped cream can be dessert. Well, anyhoo – I am sure that it was not her intent to brag or put into a Fat Chick Tail Spin but I can’t help how I feel about it. And be proud of me because I haven’t called her and asked her to go out to dinner with me to like Olive Garden or some other place where everything on the menu will make you gain 3 pounds – baby steps, baby steps.

There are times when I think that I must be an absolute lunatic! I’m talking an absolute full blown whack job!! I am beginning to really wonder why I do some of the insane things that I do. I mean, am I possessed by Fatty McGee or something?
I am sure you are thinking “Hey Fat Chick, what are you talking about? You are sounding a little crazy right now.” Well, let me explain where my insanity is coming from……
Ya see, it all started a few nights ago while I was at work. I hadn’t really eaten all day and was starting to get hungry. It was close to closing time for me so I was trying to think of what I wanted to eat for dinner. Salad? How boring! Chicken breast? How plain. Fish? I am no good at cooking fish. Whatever shall a Fat Chick eat for dinner? Well, I got an email from Pizza Hut about their new pastas and thought “YUM! That looks really good. Maybe I will get that for dinner!” Decision made! I started to finish up a few things before I headed out of the office and decided to go for a quick romp through SparkLand. As I traipsed thru a few message boards, I realized that getting this stupid pasta was not the right thing to do for dinner! How the hell am I suppose to loose weight when I am eating all of the things that I know I shouldn’t eat? And then, I hear it…. The voice in the back of my brain that tells me all of the reasons why it is OK to get the pasta. I think I will call that voice Fatty McGee now. I hear Fatty say “Now Fat Chick, you have been a good girl this week and you deserve a treat!” or “What is it gonna hurt to have this pasta tonight? It will be a one time thing” And here is where the inner battle begins. I start thinking to myself “Have I been a good girl this week? It could be the last time for a while. It’s not good to deprive yourself when trying to loose weight so maybe it’s not that bad of an idea.” Well, there ya’ go! Decision made again – Pasta it is! The battle isn’t over yet, not by a long shot but for now, Fatty is quiet. I get back to work so that I can go home and order my dinner. I run to the “Little Girl’s” room and as I step in front of that HUGE mirror, I get a glance of myself and depression sets in because I don’t like what I see. I look like Jaba the Hut!! I let out a quick scream and run into a stall so that I can close the door and try to erase the vision from my mind bny thinking of happy things – bunnies, puppies, rainbows, pizza, cheesecake - but just as I cleanse my thoughts, I have to leave the stall which means I have to see Jaba again on my way out of the bathroom. As I walk back to my desk, I start thinking about wanting to get out of the office as quickly as possible because Jaba has scared me and if I can get away quickly maybe Jaba will leave me alone. As I sit down, Fatty comes back and proceeds to tell me how that pasta will make me feel better since I am feeling all scared and emotional right now. Or maybe good old pizza will do the trick. Fatty is like a freakin’ pusher – she sits on my shoulder like one of those little demons that you see in cartoons or the movies that tell you all of the wrong things to do. And you will never believe what Miss Fatty McGee is wearing - a hot pink muumuu with turquoise and yellow flowers! Damn catalogs! And apparently, I am a junky because I fall right into her trap. I grab my stuff and run out of the office like a bat out of hell….. OK, maybe “run” isn’t the right way to say it, I strolled briskly out of the office, got in my car and sped out of the parking lot like a bat out of hell – there was a bat in there somewhere - because Jaba may be big but I am sure can move fast when properly motivated! As I drive home, Fatty and I have a chat about the pro’s and con’s of getting pasta – Pro, it tastes yummy! Con, it tastes so yummy that I will eat too much of it. Well, that about sums it up. Even though I know that Fatty is evil and horribly dressed, I call Pizza Hut and order the stupid pasta. Why? Because I am INSANE! Because I am a glutton for punishment! Because I don’t seem to know what it good for me. After I eat far too much and feel so stuffed that I feel like I will explode, I ask myself why I did this. Why did I spend that money? Why did I eat so much? Why do I do these things even though I know that they are the wrong thing to do? I can’t explain it but I wish that I could. I wish I could flip the switch that makes me do these things. I may enjoy it in the moment but after that moment is gone, I hate myself. I hate myself because I know better so I spend some time beating myself up for being an idiot. And with every step I take for the rest of that night I am reminded why I shouldn’t do these things and I say that I will never do it again….. until I do and then it starts all over again. It’s a vicious cycle and there has to be an end to it but where? When? I may never know but, for some reason, I never give up the dream of loosing weight.

There are times in this Fat Chicks life when I wonder if I am a bad person. This last week has been one of those times.
I work as a supervisor, which means that I have the joyous task of giving yearly reviews to some company employees. The whole review writting process is a bit much, very time consuming and frustrating because you have to find several different ways to say the same thing to a group of people. On top of that, you have to, in some cases, crush the hopes and dreams of some people and find a nice way to do it. Here is where my dilemma comes in.....
As most overwight women do, I have a little bit of envy and jealousy towards the Skinny Minnies. Can you blame me? They are SKINNY AND MINNIE all at the same time and seem to be able to eat all the pizza and pasta they want while wearing cute clothes and loosing 5 lbs to boot. While writting some reviews for these little bitty skinny women, I get this silent joy when I have to tell them they need to get their act together!! I sometimes find myself writting the review in the most evil ways, saying things like "You may be thin but you can't seem to do XYZ correctly" or "There are many things that you do well but XYZ is not one of them and being thin is not going to help you here" Does that make me a bad person? Does my silent joy in crushing the hopes and dreams of these thin women make me evil? I'm not really sure but I don't know of there is anything that I can do about it. Now, the final version of their reviews is nice and professional but deep down, this Fat Chick wants to crush'em and laugh like the wicked witch of the west!! I didn't but I get a little warm and fuzzy when I think about the possibilities.