Today is D day for me!! I am getting back on the dieting bandwagon whether I like it or not! I have already had breakfast, coffee AND journaled my food so HA!
I have to admit that the idea that I am watching what I eat makes me want to eat EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE!! All I can think about is the pasta in the cabinet, the bread in breadbox, the bagels on top of the fridge, the numbers for the pizza delivery places, the menus for the chinese delivery places, etc. Why does that happen? Yesterday I was all psyched and ready to go but today I am craving every freakin' food imaginable, even foods that I normally don't crave! Chocolate. for instance. I am not a huge chocolate eater but for some reason, right now I would give my right arm for a piece of some kind of chocolate. And my left arm for some blueberry pop tarts!
Ok, that is enough ranting for now. Will probably be back later to share more...... don't miss me too much!

There are times when I think that I must be an absolute lunatic! I’m talking an absolute full blown whack job!! I am beginning to really wonder why I do some of the insane things that I do. I mean, am I possessed by Fatty McGee or something?
I am sure you are thinking “Hey Fat Chick, what are you talking about? You are sounding a little crazy right now.” Well, let me explain where my insanity is coming from……
Ya see, it all started a few nights ago while I was at work. I hadn’t really eaten all day and was starting to get hungry. It was close to closing time for me so I was trying to think of what I wanted to eat for dinner. Salad? How boring! Chicken breast? How plain. Fish? I am no good at cooking fish. Whatever shall a Fat Chick eat for dinner? Well, I got an email from Pizza Hut about their new pastas and thought “YUM! That looks really good. Maybe I will get that for dinner!” Decision made! I started to finish up a few things before I headed out of the office and decided to go for a quick romp through SparkLand. As I traipsed thru a few message boards, I realized that getting this stupid pasta was not the right thing to do for dinner! How the hell am I suppose to loose weight when I am eating all of the things that I know I shouldn’t eat? And then, I hear it…. The voice in the back of my brain that tells me all of the reasons why it is OK to get the pasta. I think I will call that voice Fatty McGee now. I hear Fatty say “Now Fat Chick, you have been a good girl this week and you deserve a treat!” or “What is it gonna hurt to have this pasta tonight? It will be a one time thing” And here is where the inner battle begins. I start thinking to myself “Have I been a good girl this week? It could be the last time for a while. It’s not good to deprive yourself when trying to loose weight so maybe it’s not that bad of an idea.” Well, there ya’ go! Decision made again – Pasta it is! The battle isn’t over yet, not by a long shot but for now, Fatty is quiet. I get back to work so that I can go home and order my dinner. I run to the “Little Girl’s” room and as I step in front of that HUGE mirror, I get a glance of myself and depression sets in because I don’t like what I see. I look like Jaba the Hut!! I let out a quick scream and run into a stall so that I can close the door and try to erase the vision from my mind bny thinking of happy things – bunnies, puppies, rainbows, pizza, cheesecake - but just as I cleanse my thoughts, I have to leave the stall which means I have to see Jaba again on my way out of the bathroom. As I walk back to my desk, I start thinking about wanting to get out of the office as quickly as possible because Jaba has scared me and if I can get away quickly maybe Jaba will leave me alone. As I sit down, Fatty comes back and proceeds to tell me how that pasta will make me feel better since I am feeling all scared and emotional right now. Or maybe good old pizza will do the trick. Fatty is like a freakin’ pusher – she sits on my shoulder like one of those little demons that you see in cartoons or the movies that tell you all of the wrong things to do. And you will never believe what Miss Fatty McGee is wearing - a hot pink muumuu with turquoise and yellow flowers! Damn catalogs! And apparently, I am a junky because I fall right into her trap. I grab my stuff and run out of the office like a bat out of hell….. OK, maybe “run” isn’t the right way to say it, I strolled briskly out of the office, got in my car and sped out of the parking lot like a bat out of hell – there was a bat in there somewhere - because Jaba may be big but I am sure can move fast when properly motivated! As I drive home, Fatty and I have a chat about the pro’s and con’s of getting pasta – Pro, it tastes yummy! Con, it tastes so yummy that I will eat too much of it. Well, that about sums it up. Even though I know that Fatty is evil and horribly dressed, I call Pizza Hut and order the stupid pasta. Why? Because I am INSANE! Because I am a glutton for punishment! Because I don’t seem to know what it good for me. After I eat far too much and feel so stuffed that I feel like I will explode, I ask myself why I did this. Why did I spend that money? Why did I eat so much? Why do I do these things even though I know that they are the wrong thing to do? I can’t explain it but I wish that I could. I wish I could flip the switch that makes me do these things. I may enjoy it in the moment but after that moment is gone, I hate myself. I hate myself because I know better so I spend some time beating myself up for being an idiot. And with every step I take for the rest of that night I am reminded why I shouldn’t do these things and I say that I will never do it again….. until I do and then it starts all over again. It’s a vicious cycle and there has to be an end to it but where? When? I may never know but, for some reason, I never give up the dream of loosing weight.

Now I know that this dieting/weight loss thing would not be easy but GIVE ME A FREAKIN’ BREAK! Why is it that when I am not dieting, I will have almost no cravings at all but when I am dieting, I want everything imaginable! The food calls me – not on my cell or anything (jeesh, that would be crazy). Sometimes it yells at me as I drive by restaurants. Take this morning for example: I drive by a Taco Bell on my way to work each morning. Taco Bell isn’t exactly by favorite place but sometimes it hits the spot! Just before I got to the light where the Taco Bell is, I could hear a Cheesy Beefy Melt calling me in its little Mexican accent…. “hey Fat Chick…. It’s me, Cheesy Beefy Melt…. Come on thru the drive thru and get me so I can go to work with you and keep you company. I’ll make myself look all pretty for you – extra cheese and sour cream. Come and get me” Before I saw that big bell in the sky, there was no thought of any food much less a cheesy beef melt but once I got within hearing distance, he was all over me. As I sat at the light, I turned up the stereo in my car but that just made him yell louder and get a few friends to join. He called Nachos Bel Grande and Steak Quesadilla so I had all 3 of them calling me, like little Mexican sirens of the sea and it was hard for me to resist. Speaking of Sirens, the Starbucks Siren got in on the action to since Starbucks is right next to Taco Bell, and we all know how much I love me some Starbucks. “Oh Fat Chick, how I love you and wish to make you smile with the yummy goodness of my White Chocolate Mocha with Caramel added” was her cry and it was getting harder to resist so I turned the stereo up really loud, opened the sunroof, rolled down the windows and turned on the air conditioner. I wanted everything imaginable that could distract me from the call of the food! I beat on my steering wheel to the beat of the music while I sang along with Madonna and Justin. The people in the cars around me were probably thinking I was a lunatic but I didn’t care, I needed to distract myself from the Call of the Food! I felt this huge sense of relief when I saw the red light turn green, I thought there was freedom in sight but that is when the little NY style pizza joint came into view – DAMN IT ALL!! Will the torture ever end? As I made the turn, I heard that heavy Brooklyn accent call me “Yo Fat Chick, I got some cheesy pepperoni over here just waitin’ for ya. And my cousin Manicotti says hello and wants you to get over here too! Diet? Forget about it, you needs some good ol’ pizza and pasta to make everything A-OK. And Mama is making some cannoli for you too. Come on……” Now, how the heck am I suppose to be a Good Girl in the Diet World when I have food calling me left and right? This is no easy task but I made it past the Starbucks and Taco Bell without incident. I felt like stopping the car, jumping out and doing that thumbs in the ears and tongue sticking out thing that kids do when they are picking on each other and yelling “Nanny Nanny BooBoo, you didn’t get me” but I didn’t because I thought they would come running after me and shove themselves in my mouth before I could stop them! Not to mention that I was not completely past the pizza joint and they could get me if I did that – and I think they are hooked up with the Food Mafia or something so I don’t want to take any chances. Knowing that if I could only hang on for about 2 minutes I would be OK, I took a firm grip of my steering wheel and hit the gas! As I passed the pizza joint, I was oh so very tempted to let my little birdies fly thru my sun roof – if you don’t know what birdies, look at your hands J. But I knew better – remember THE FOOD MAFIA!! Well, you will be happy to know that I made it to work with no problems, no Taco Bell, Starbucks or Pizza in my hands as I walked thru the door. Of course, now I am starving but I will have a salad in a little while. Maybe I can convince myself that the salad is a slice of pizza.