There are times when I think that I must be an absolute lunatic! I’m talking an absolute full blown whack job!! I am beginning to really wonder why I do some of the insane things that I do. I mean, am I possessed by Fatty McGee or something?
I am sure you are thinking “Hey Fat Chick, what are you talking about? You are sounding a little crazy right now.” Well, let me explain where my insanity is coming from……
Ya see, it all started a few nights ago while I was at work. I hadn’t really eaten all day and was starting to get hungry. It was close to closing time for me so I was trying to think of what I wanted to eat for dinner. Salad? How boring! Chicken breast? How plain. Fish? I am no good at cooking fish. Whatever shall a Fat Chick eat for dinner? Well, I got an email from Pizza Hut about their new pastas and thought “YUM! That looks really good. Maybe I will get that for dinner!” Decision made! I started to finish up a few things before I headed out of the office and decided to go for a quick romp through SparkLand. As I traipsed thru a few message boards, I realized that getting this stupid pasta was not the right thing to do for dinner! How the hell am I suppose to loose weight when I am eating all of the things that I know I shouldn’t eat? And then, I hear it…. The voice in the back of my brain that tells me all of the reasons why it is OK to get the pasta. I think I will call that voice Fatty McGee now. I hear Fatty say “Now Fat Chick, you have been a good girl this week and you deserve a treat!” or “What is it gonna hurt to have this pasta tonight? It will be a one time thing” And here is where the inner battle begins. I start thinking to myself “Have I been a good girl this week? It could be the last time for a while. It’s not good to deprive yourself when trying to loose weight so maybe it’s not that bad of an idea.” Well, there ya’ go! Decision made again – Pasta it is! The battle isn’t over yet, not by a long shot but for now, Fatty is quiet. I get back to work so that I can go home and order my dinner. I run to the “Little Girl’s” room and as I step in front of that HUGE mirror, I get a glance of myself and depression sets in because I don’t like what I see. I look like Jaba the Hut!! I let out a quick scream and run into a stall so that I can close the door and try to erase the vision from my mind bny thinking of happy things – bunnies, puppies, rainbows, pizza, cheesecake - but just as I cleanse my thoughts, I have to leave the stall which means I have to see Jaba again on my way out of the bathroom. As I walk back to my desk, I start thinking about wanting to get out of the office as quickly as possible because Jaba has scared me and if I can get away quickly maybe Jaba will leave me alone. As I sit down, Fatty comes back and proceeds to tell me how that pasta will make me feel better since I am feeling all scared and emotional right now. Or maybe good old pizza will do the trick. Fatty is like a freakin’ pusher – she sits on my shoulder like one of those little demons that you see in cartoons or the movies that tell you all of the wrong things to do. And you will never believe what Miss Fatty McGee is wearing - a hot pink muumuu with turquoise and yellow flowers! Damn catalogs! And apparently, I am a junky because I fall right into her trap. I grab my stuff and run out of the office like a bat out of hell….. OK, maybe “run” isn’t the right way to say it, I strolled briskly out of the office, got in my car and sped out of the parking lot like a bat out of hell – there was a bat in there somewhere - because Jaba may be big but I am sure can move fast when properly motivated! As I drive home, Fatty and I have a chat about the pro’s and con’s of getting pasta – Pro, it tastes yummy! Con, it tastes so yummy that I will eat too much of it. Well, that about sums it up. Even though I know that Fatty is evil and horribly dressed, I call Pizza Hut and order the stupid pasta. Why? Because I am INSANE! Because I am a glutton for punishment! Because I don’t seem to know what it good for me. After I eat far too much and feel so stuffed that I feel like I will explode, I ask myself why I did this. Why did I spend that money? Why did I eat so much? Why do I do these things even though I know that they are the wrong thing to do? I can’t explain it but I wish that I could. I wish I could flip the switch that makes me do these things. I may enjoy it in the moment but after that moment is gone, I hate myself. I hate myself because I know better so I spend some time beating myself up for being an idiot. And with every step I take for the rest of that night I am reminded why I shouldn’t do these things and I say that I will never do it again….. until I do and then it starts all over again. It’s a vicious cycle and there has to be an end to it but where? When? I may never know but, for some reason, I never give up the dream of loosing weight.

I went to dinner Thursday night with a friend. We went to our usual place for some Margarita’s, “Crack Salsa” and girl talk. My friend got there a few minutes before I did and grabbed a table in the bar area. When I got to the table, I sat down and we did the typical girly catch-up – “how have you been?”, “How’s the family?”, etc.
As we were starting to really talk, I heard these loud screeches and howls coming from the table just around the corner from us. I glance over and there are these 3 women, who had to be in at least their late 20’s but I am thinking early 30’s, all hovering over the cell phone of one and all laughing and cackling like pre-teen girls talking to a boy for the first time. Once they quieted down, I thought it would be just a one time thing but Boy was I wrong! Throughout our dinner and after dinner talking, these women hooped and hollered constantly…. And they weren’t always talking to each other!!! At one point, one was on her cell phone yelling at someone about cleaning dishes while the other 2 were very loudly talking about water…..YES! WATER!! Like the stuff that comes out of the tap in your kitchen. Can someone please explain to me how water is that interesting? No one? Anybody? Well, I guess it isn’t but these 2 certainly thought it was fascinating! We could not go 5 minutes without the HappyTime Triplets going into very loud hysterics about nose hairs or ear wax or hair products! These women were making me crazy!! I am all about enjoying your time out with friends, laughing and talking with each other but this was absolutely ridiculous! They placed their order after making the waitress come back to their table 4 times – I guess because their fascinating conversation about ear wax could not be interrupted by the ordering of dinner….IN A FREAKIN’ RESTAURANT of all places!! I mean what was that silly waitress thinking! And when they finally did order, the waitress needed a PhD in Decryption & Cryptography to understand what they wanted. One of them actually told the waitress that she wanted a cheeseburger but she didn’t want a full slice of cheese, she wanted the slice of cheese cut into strips before being put on her burger and it could not touch the tomatoes. Another wanted a salad but wanted the lettuce and the toppings on separate plates – WHY?? This makes no sense to me at all but it was what do I know? Maybe that’s how they do it in Crazy Town. And it was like once they started ordering and asking for things, they didn’t stop! Each time the poor waitress would walk by, they wanted something else – water, soda, fries, coffee, napkins, salt packets (nope, not a salt shaker, PACKETS!), among a bizarre assortment of other items that just didn’t seem normal or right! Between the “prank” phone calls they seemed to be making and the piercing hyena laughter, my friend and I were barely able to enjoy our dinner much less have a conversation. And on top of them being just plain obnoxious, THEY KEPT STARING AT US! Was our polite manner offending them? Was my make-up looking scary? Did my friend have eyeballs in the back of her head? And they were not trying to hide that they were staring at us. After a little while, I got a little creeped out by it.
And so much for hoping that they would leave before us and give us a little bit of peace because that just wasn’t happening! They must have closed the place down because we left and went and sat in my car and talked for a while and never saw them come out! That Poor Waitress! Better her than me!
Oh well, enough of this rant. I think I have a few more in me so STAY TUNED!!