Merry Freakin' Christmas!

( this was originally written the week before Christmas but with the Holidays, I am a bit behind in my postings so I am trying to catch up now.)

I know, fat people are suppose to be all chipper and happy and jolly but this Christmas season, I am just not feeling it!

The economy is in the crapper. Jobs are nowhere to be found. Money is tighter than a size 2 skirt. Worst of all, people are CRAZY!! I don’t just mean NORMAL crazy, I’m talking SUPER DUPER WACKY DOODLE CRAZY! The kind of crazy that will grab a pair of socks out of your hands at Wal-Mart because they need THOSE SPECIFIC SOCKS for their grandson.
Like the plague, I avoid shopping the day after Thanksgiving because I don’t want to have to deal with the wacky-doodles that are shopping for the $9.99 DVD player and the $.25 cd’s. People will knock you down and roll over you with their shopping cart just for looking at them crosseyed while in the accessories aisle. And being a “woman of size” makes it even more of a struggle because people won’t think twice about yelling at you for “being in the way” while they are trying to get something off of a shelf or a rack. Needless to say, being Christmas and all, I was forced to do some shopping for Christmas presents and it was not the joyous event that you might think. I have a purse that my neice is quite fond of and I happened to get it at Super Kmart a few months ago so I decided to go back to try to get one for her. It started off rather innocently: I get my shopping cart and start roaming through the store. I see some nice gift packs, greeting cards, etc. I decide that I want to look at the shoes ( I have a bit of a shoe obsession) so I head to the shoe department. As I turn down an aisle of casual shoes, I notice 2 older women at the other end of the aisle and smile at them as I always do at strangers whose attention I get. They smiled and nodded back at me and went back to their shopping. I find a pair pof shoes or 2 that I want to try on so I move a little further down the aisle to the little seat. As I sit down to slip off my shoes, I hear these 2 “lovely old women” chatting. It isn’t my intention to eavesdrop but I kinda couldn’t help it……. They were speaking loudly and they were talking about ME! Bertha and Buela (the names I have decided to give them) were standing within 5 feet of me and were talking about me loud enough to be heard by not only me but everyone within a 5 aisle radius! Bertha states that it is just a shame how “young women” today are letting their appearances go. OK, first I am flattered that they think I am YOUNG but then I realize that they are both older than dirt so my grandmother would be young to them. Buela kicks in a “Well, with the internet and cell phones and stuff, they just don’t care like we did when we were younger. Appearance just doesn’t seem to mean as much as now as it did in our youth.” As my jaw fell to the floor and I lost all feeling in my entire body, I couldn’t help but wonder what the heck these two old geezers were talking about! Not sure what reality they are living in but in my reality, appearance is far more important than it should be. As I sat there barefoot and numb, I prayed that my evil fat chick twin would stay in her closet and not take control of my body and attack these 2 little old women. As Esmerelda (my evil fat chick twin) began to plead her case for attacking Bertha and Buela, I turned toward these 2 women and watched them for a moment. Esmerelda began explaining how easy it would be to crush them with our right leg and still try shoes on our left. I was beginning to hush Esmerelda when she gave me a vision of the 2 little old women cowering at the end of the aisle, clutching onto each other and pleading for mercy as we grew into a Fat Chick Godzilla like creature and made our way down the aisle to teach them some manners, growling, crashing into the shoe shelves and throwing 3 inch heels at then on our way. As amusing as this thought was, I knew it was not the way to go in this situation. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, giggled a little and went back to my shoe shopping, keeping Esmerelda in check. Bertha and Buela continued to yell at each other about their granddaughter’s black hair and grandson’s inability to dress himself but what can we expecct since their parents don’t care how they look so why should the kids. And then Buela looked back in my direction and said “It’s a shame really, she has such a pretty face.” At this, Esmerelda came flying out of the closet and took over. We glared at Bertha and Buela, cleared our throat and said “You do realize that I can hear you, right? You know that I have heard every world you have said about me. In the future, you may want to learn to whisper when you want to talk about someone who is within 6 feet of you.” I picked up the shoes I planned to buy, threw them in my cart and headed down the aisle in their direction. Both women’s dentures practically fell out of their mouths as I walked past them to exit the aisle. Yep, I walked right at them and made them separate so that I could get through. Why? Not sure but I enjoyed it! Rude people need to be taught a lesson and who better than me to teach it to them.