A strange thing happens with you suddenly have more time on your hands than you are use to having – you are forced to deal with you and all of your own issues, whether you like it or not! The truth is that I DON’T LIKE IT, not one damn bit!! I try to be a “happy-go-lucky” chick but sometimes that is just not possible. There comes a time when you have no choice but to stand, stripped naked, both physically and mentally, in front of the mirror and see yourself….. THE REAL YOU!! Not the you that you let all of your friends see, or the one that you show to your family, not the you that you show to strangers when you are in the mall or grocery, or the you that gets shoved out when the real you is just not ready to face the world. You have to face the YOU that sometimes cries herself to sleep at night, the you that stands in the closet in the morning and thinks “Why does it matter how I look?”, the you that feels useless or worthless or even a failure. Even the most positive person has to do battle with that part of themself and if they deny it, they are lying. The trick is to find a way to win the battle - find a way to fight through the fog of self doubt, self loathing, insecurity, hurt and even self hate! You have to fight until you are able to see the light again.
Well, I have my boxing gloves on and I am having that fight right now. I feel like no matter how hard I try to loose weight and/or get healthy, I fail miserably!! There are times when I feel like I am doing good on a weight loss program and when the time comes to weigh in, I’ve gained weight, not lost! How does that happen? So, of course, I automatically throw myself into a large pizza, a pan of lasagna, a philly cheese steak or a tray of nachos in hopes that it will make me feel better about my failure. I stuff my face and , for that moment, everything is OK – the food give me a very temporary feeling of relief and all is good in the world. Once the food is gone, the self hate begins! I start to hate myself for eating, for loosing control, for giving in to that little voice that tells me that once I eat everything will be OK and my problems won’t bother me anymore. The truth is that all that eating has just added to my problems! I may have just eaten enough to add another pound to my weight and that sure isn’t helping the situation.
So, how do you stop the eating cycle? How do you stop feeling like food will solve your problems? This may sound like a weird question to some but to people like me, who are addicted to food, it makes perfect sense. So, how do I stop? How do I start to change my association with food? It isn’t easy, that’s for sure but I have to do it. I am working on it, really I am and with the help and support of family, friends, my Dr and anyone else who can help me, I will make it!!