I tried, Damn it!!

My scales conspiracy against me continues!! What the heck have I done to that stupid scale to make it want to make me so darn miserable? I thought I was going to have a freakin’ nervous breakdown this morning while attempting (and I stress attempting) to weigh myself this morning.
So, I go into my kitchen to weigh myself (yes, I have decided that my kitchen is the best place to weigh myself – seems logical to me…. Weigh, get depressed, take cheese from fridge and eat….. it made sense at the time!). I took the scale from the closet where it has been locked away and placed it on the floor between my fridge (easy access to food) and my dish washer (gotta clean the plate that I ate the food from) and tapped it like the instructions say. She chimes at me “Hello”, waits a few seconds and says “I’m ready”. To me that means she is ready for me to stand on her so she can yell to the universe how much I weigh. I took a deep breath (like that was going to make me loose 20 lbs) and step on Hortense – I’ve name the scale Hortense, I’ll explain why later. I wait….. and wait…. and wait….. and wait…. and after about 3 minutes, Hortense yells “Goodbye”. What?? Why?? She is trying to torture me. So I step off of Hortense, sit down on a dining room chair that I have brought into the kitchen, and yell a few choice words at her before explaining to her that I am in charge here and she needs to do what I want. I start the process all over again….. tap, “Hello…… I’m ready”, step on scale, wait….. wait…..wait….wait… now about 2 minutes went by and Hortense has said nothing, NOT A THING!! I hate her! I know she was sitting there laughing at me in her stupid computer voice but would she tell me how much I weigh……NO!! So I step off and she tells me Goodbye. I sit down again and put my head down on my stove (it wasn’t on so I was good) in frustration. I decided that maybe I needed to move Hortense so I picked her up and moved her about 3 feet further into the kitchen. I thought maybe she was intimidated my the fridge knowing that I love the fridge because it gives me goodies and snacks and I hate her because she yells at me and tells me how fat I am. I placed Hortense in front of the sink and tapped her to get her started. When she said hello, I responded very nicely in my calmest of voices “Hello Dear, how are you?” to which she responded “I’m ready”. I explained to her that it was important that I get my current weight from her and how appreciative I would be when she gave it to me before stepping on her. I waited a few moments but Hortense stayed quiet. I waited a few more and Hortense finally chirped “GOODBYE”. At this point, I am ready to throw Hortense in the microwave and giggle & clap as she explodes from the radiation, but I didn’t. Instead, I screamed at her “What is wrong with you? What have I done to deserve this treatment from you? I AM IN CHARGE HERE SO YOU BETTER GIVE ME MY WEIGHT!! If you don’t, I am taking your batteries. Try talking and torturing me without them!!“ I gave Hortense the evil eye and pointed my finger and her and let her know that this was her last chance and I was not kidding! I gave her the tap, waited and as soon as she said she was ready I stepped on her. I stood as still as possible and waited to hear her voice scream at me that I have gained 5 lbs or lost 2 lbs, anything would have made me happy, anything except goodbye. As I waited, I watched the clock on my microwave and after 3 minutes of waiting, I had had it with Hortense!! I sat down on my chair, picked her up and said “I warned you!!” I flipped her over, opened the battery compartment and took the batteries out!! Her torturing days are done, for a while anyway.


Thiz Bad Princezz... said...

Geez.. What a cruel beyotch!! Do you need to return it for a new one?

The Fat Chick said...

Well, I've punished her and taken her batteries away. We'll see how she acts when I give them back after a weeks punishment!!